the same struggle as you - some still do it looks like. But also, many have overcome it, or figured out how to lessen it. So there is hope, and lots of it.
My son has had severe depression, including suicidal thoughts. As a parent its horrible to wake up and wonder if "thats the day" that I find him having taken his own his own life.....its literally a horrific fear that I've had many mornings upon waking up or even any time he's been in his room and quiet for a period of time. Its awful. Luckily, after several different medications, we've found one that has helped significantly, and combined with a counselor things are MUCH better. I hope you'll find the same.
Don't know you, don't know the particular of your situation, but you're important, you have value, you have a chance to make a difference, and a really good chance to find happiness. Reach out to those in this thread and I know a ton of people, including myself, would be happy to write, text, or call. While we're not replacements for professionals sometimes just knowing you have some people in your corner is a big deal.