Documentary Film Script of the BYU Football 2024-25 Season
Scene opens in the great beyond near Kolob, a council of the noble and great circa 2020:
Joseph Smith: As the prophet of this dispensation, I’ve got assigned seeing the 2nd Coming through, and I’m told faith is wavering. People not listening to the missionaries, looking at their new fangled tech all day instead of reading the scrips, fighting temples, that destroying angel overdid it a bit with the Covid pestilence. So we’ve been assigned to stoke the fires of faith, so let’s open it up. Brigham?
BY: well that school that bears my name and aims to light the world needs a shot in the arm. Professors posting all kinds of nonsense these days.
St. LaVell: Ahem, if I may say so, football seems to draw a lot of eyeballs in the promised land.
JS: that’s a good point. What are some options?
Elijah: Burning the priests of Baal after they dumped water all over was bad to the bone. That whole suspension of disbelief thing.
Noah: Yeah that’s the ticket. No one believed till the deluge either.
Moses: Parting the red sea freaked the Egyptians.
Pharoah: Yah mon, that truly sucked, but I believed after watching my army get swallowed up.
St. LaVell: The Miami game, need I say more.
Peter: Picture this. BYU football, mediocre, then raised from the dust ala Lazarus.
JS: Tell me about that.
James: Yeah, like they suck, and the miraculously blast everyone like Thunder!
John: Not so fast Bro. With blow outs there’s no faith, just hatred. Think KWhitt, that fallen one, punished with the vestigial tail. Hate leads to suffering--"
Pharoah: Too much Yoda man, zip it.
JS: Allright, so close games?
John: Yeah. Like they are getting sacked in their own endzone on 4th and forever while behind in SLC and a ref who hasn’t seen a penalty all day resurrects BYU with a 1st down.
BY: Now you’re thinking. Lots of miracle endings. Like barely winning all the time until the people realize there has to be divine intervention.
St. LaVell: Poor Kalani. Watch that ticker of his.
Elijah: Hey KS deserves some of that, going for it on 4th down from his own 4 on the road, in Boise. Always wanted to nail him for that.
James: But how do we bring other religions in? This 2nd coming is all hands on deck.
JS: Well that big 12 is in the Bible belt, lots of Christians. We’d need to get involved in there somehow.
Peter: SMU needs a game. Oh and don’t forget our Jewish brethren. They have a big role in these last days.
JS: Isn’t there a Jewish QB we could find? Like how cool would that be, it’s the covenant people, but the old covenant people are joining in.
Elijah: Liking this.
James: But in the playoffs though, BYU gets to blow out Ohio State, Notre Dame or Boise. That kind of wickedness needs punished.
John: Or Oregon. They’ve been stealing the elect recruits far too long with that filthy lucre.
(murmured agreement)
JS: Ok John write up the plan, I’ll run it up the chain. We’ll get this rolling. I think it’ll be approved, good job everyone.
BY: Go Cougars!
All: AMEN!