As a successful job-lander, here are my tips: Use thick, fancy, marbled paper and a cool, professional-looking font. Oh, and lots of big, positive words like "team-building," "strive," and "paradigm" (pronounced "PAIR-uh-dime").

If you do these things, you're guaranteed to swiftly land your dream job, and you won't even need to worry about how you definitely offended your previous employer with all the shady manipulation of your work schedule to accommodate job-hunting.

You're welcome.