So you want to be a Ute fan? Congratulations.

Honestly, I can't say I blame you. Being a Utah fan is one of life's greatest pleasures, but before you get started, you're going to need to understand there's a simple playbook you need to follow. Some people are able to follow these instructions intuitively, but if you're not one of them this guide will clearly spell out the basics of being a part of Utah fandom.

Before you start, you'll need to understand that most of what you do as a Utah fan is reactionary. We'll learn about trolling and provoking BYU fans later. As a beginner all you'll need to do is watch what BYU fans do and react accordingly.

Here's what do when ...

1. BYU does something well:
We'll start with an easy one. There's one special hyphenated word that you can always throw around as a Utah fan: self-righteous. Don't worry about what it exactly means. If BYU fans are doing something, I can promise you, they're doing it in a self-righteous way and you shouldn't be shy about letting them know or yucking it up with your fellow fans.
Outside of being self-righteous, the only other acceptable explanation for why a BYU fan is doing something is that they are unable to think for themselves. Don't consider what their actual point or intent is or even if you might agree with it. If you can't classify BYU behavior as either being self-righteous or the behavior of a mindless drone, you're not trying hard enough to classify it.

2. BYU does something wrong:
Hey! It's your big chance! You know all those rules and standards those BYU people have? This is the time to throw them all back in their faces. Try to point out all the ways that they've failed to live up to those standards; lay the guilt on heavy by pointing out how they've let everyone else down; use the word hypocrite liberally; blur the lines between trying to do something and promising to do something; ignore that you spend a lot of time and energy mocking them for caring at all about standards at all (see #1).
Luckily as a Utah fan, you don't need to worry about representing anything or anyone. You see, the real genius of being a Utah fan is you'll never have to worry about double standards, because we don't have any standards to begin with.

3. BYU does something wrong and you're an active, LDS Utah Fan:
Oh, man. This is the best! You will need to ignore that you probably have made a special effort to separate BYU from the church. When BYU does something good, it has nothing to do with the church--it's just BYU sports. But when when BYU or BYU fans do something wrong you need to take big-time offense. Those embarrassing actions are blight on your church and need to be stopped. Make a big deal about this, like writing on your tithing slip that your money should not to go BYU sports, or mentioning it Elder's quorum. Make sure you say you think the church should drop BYU sports, but point out that it's only because you care about the church's image that you think so.
Finally, there are still no double standards, so as soon as the controversy blows over go back to coming up with insulting nicknames or finding any other possible way to mock the people that only represent your church when they do something wrong. Also, you don't need to worry about your actions ever reflecting in any way on the church. Everyone knows that throughout the rest of the country no one ever associates the Utah community with Mormons.

4. A BYU fan accuses you or other Utah fans of doing something wrong:
Two easy options for this one--deny or excuse. Is there unequivocal proof of what those lily-white BYU fans are accusing you or or friends of? Well, then they're probably making it up, or just lying about it. Start with that, but if by some chance it turns out they're able to immediately prove that they're not making up the accusation up, you'll have to find something a BYU fan has done that you can kind of compare it to.
Example: Let's say a BYU fan is complaining that their head got cut open by a beer can thrown into their section at RES. First, you deny that it happened. Say something like, "that didn't happen," or "you shouldnt exaggerate." If they happen to be able to show you the scar or a photo or something you might need to stop denying and start excusing. This is done by saying something like, "Oh yeah. Well, my sister got pushed at LES." Voila. Problem solved.
You will need to avoid discussing even the possibility that there might be a shred of guilt among Utah fans. Just keep beating that you-do-it-too drum until that BYU fan accepts that since everyone has done something wrong, no one can ever tell anyone else they what they've done is wrong (without being self-righteous, of course).

5. BYU loses:
Ha ha! Just like you said they would. After a BYU loss, their fans will probably eating their own a little. This is a great time for beginner trolling. Remind them how fast Utah is or how awesome they are in big games. Just keep up with the Salt Lake media and use whatever line they are pushing at the time. Be merciless and personal in your mocking. Remember there's a time when it's more important that they lost than you won; that time is always. Look to feed every doubt they may have about their team and create a few they don't have yet. Work as hard as you can to get BYU fans to define their team the way you see them. The more you can get them to start thinking like you, the more they will do your trolling for you down the road.

6. BYU wins.
Looks like it wasn't your day, but here's the deal: they probably cheated, or the refs cheated, or they got lucky. If you get tired of arguing that they're cheating cheaters who cheat all the time, maybe you can find something they said after that game that you can take offense at or whine about. Your offense will make a great distraction from the unfortunate outcome, maybe even a bigger story than the outcome. Ignore any metal gymnastics you may have to do to take offense at the statement. The important thing is manufacture enough outrage over the statement or action that fellow Utah fans can hold onto it as long as necessary. With enough whining, the distraction will tide us over until Utah manages to win another game. Once that happens we can all go back to the advice in #5, and along with the Salt Lake media can keep telling BYU fans how the honor code or whatever other excuse we can find is going to prevent them from ever winning anything. Ever.


Well, that should be enough to get you started. Best of luck and we'll get into the really complicated stuff later, like why we dress like pirates or what exactly the source of our foaming-at-the-mouth hatred is.