I feel for you and everyone here. I don’t know if it’s harder or easier to have lost of child before you got to know them better. All I know is I would’ve traded anything for more time.
We have told friends and family who have lost a child they are part of a special club now.A Club you would never seek to join and One you would trade the alternative for at any time but a club that still affords you special experiences. We have had those experiences but it’s still often an excruciating wait in this life.