Title: “Mormon Muscle”

Cold Open

We open with Dwight holding a football, trying to run a new "team-building exercise" in the Dunder Mifflin Scranton office.

Dwight: (confidently) Everyone! Today we are embracing the spirit of "unity through competition." This football represents our dreams, our goals—our Dunder. We shall pass it, we shall tackle it, and we shall not let it fumble.

Jim: (glancing at the camera) Pretty sure last week our Dunder was an egg in a spoon race.

Dwight: Focus, Jim! Our mantra: “Act like Jake Retzlaff!”

Pam looks up, confused.

Pam: Who’s Jake Retzlaff?

Dwight: BYU’s new starting quarterback! He's got the arm of an artillery cannon and the mind of a warrior monk. A true American hero.

Jim: So, just like you.

Dwight: Exactly. (pauses) Except younger, better at sports, and likely destined for fame beyond paper sales.

Jim smirks, then throws the football at Dwight, who drops it and glares back at him as we cut to the opening theme.

Scene 1

The camera cuts to the office as Dwight decorates with blue and white streamers, BYU logos, and a large cardboard cutout of Jake Retzlaff in his uniform.

Pam: (to the camera) So, Dwight's new obsession is Jake Retzlaff, a quarterback from BYU. He says Jake’s the key to us "winning the business bowl," whatever that means.

Kevin: (looking at the cardboard cutout) If Jake were on my fantasy team, I’d be undefeated.

Angela: (scornfully) You don’t even know what BYU stands for, Kevin.

Kevin: (proudly) Best Yearly...University.

Oscar: (sighs) Close, Kevin. Not really.

Scene 2

Michael enters, noticing the decorations.

Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who decorated this place like a college pep rally? Are we hosting a Dunder Mifflin frat party?

Dwight: Michael, it’s all about the Retzlaff Effect! Jake's team spirit is contagious. If we channel that energy, we can improve morale, increase sales, and intimidate Utica.

Michael: I love it! A quarterback is just what this team needs. But... wait, BYU… that's Brigham Young University, right?

Everyone looks surprised at Michael.

Michael: Hey, I went to an all-day seminar in Utah once. They really love their... (whispers) soda. (winks)

Jim: I’m not sure that's the defining feature of BYU, Michael.

Michael: Well, it’s definitely memorable. Anyway, Dwight, I want full BYU spirit. And we need a pep talk. Get us pumped, Retzlaff-style.

Scene 3

Dwight sets up a small stage in the break room. Michael, channeling his inner motivational speaker, holds the cutout of Jake like it’s a life-sized trophy.

Michael: Team, we are embracing the Retzlaff spirit, all right? BYU may be a Mormon school, but Jake has got them all cheering "Shalom" after every touchdown.

Jim: (to the camera) You know, it’s pretty bold—Jewish quarterback leading BYU. Can’t wait to see him accidentally take a sip of coffee on campus and cause a minor scandal.

Dwight: (sincere) It’s inspirational, really. Like Moses leading his people. Except here, it’s, uh, football. And Mormons. And no wilderness.

Michael: Exactly! This office could use a little of that BYU-Jewish quarterback energy.

Angela rolls her eyes as Michael talks.

Scene 4

Jim sneaks behind the cardboard cutout of Jake and, while Dwight and Michael are talking, pretends to make it "talk" by wiggling its arms.

Jim: (mimicking Jake) Hey, Dwight, you’re my favorite fan, and Michael, you’re like my spirit coach.

Dwight: (shouting) Yes, Jake, I knew it!

Michael: See? We’re already channeling his energy.

Pam: (laughing) I don’t think Jake would condone this level of fandom.

Michael: He’d love it! We’re like his own personal Cosmo the Cougar. Only... less flipping. (He does a clumsy attempt at a cartwheel and trips over his own feet.)

Scene 5

Later, Ryan and Kelly join the action. Kelly seems unimpressed.

Kelly: I don’t get why this Jake guy is such a big deal. Like, what’s he bringing to my life?

Ryan: (sighs) Apparently, morale.

Kelly: (rolling her eyes) What I need is someone who can throw good relationship advice, not a football.

Scene 6

Andy has suggested BYU-inspired activities for the office. Dwight wants everyone to learn “a bit of Jewish wisdom” in Jake’s honor.

Dwight: BYU and Jake bring together different backgrounds for a common cause: victory. So, today, I present… Hebrew lessons.

Oscar: (smirking) Is this going to end in you calling everyone mensch?

Dwight: Yes! Exactly, Oscar, you are a mensch. It means "man of honor."

Pam: (laughing) Dwight, I don’t think that’s the takeaway here.

Andy: (grinning) You know, Jake really is living the OYU experience!

Kevin looks horrified.

Kevin: Wait, no caffeine?

The office collectively groans at the suggestion.

Jim: Besides, I’m pretty sure it’s BYU’s mascot, Cosmo, we should be emulating. Have you seen the flips that cougar can do? He’s like a Utah ninja cat.

Dwight: (defensive) Jake inspires focus; Cosmo is just… distraction!

Scene 7

Jim and Pam manage to get a hold of a BYU jersey and prank Dwight by pretending that Jake Retzlaff himself sent it to the office to “bless” them with his spirit. Dwight is in awe.

Jim: (handing the jersey to Dwight) Here you go, Dwight. Straight from Jake. He thought you needed an official uniform.

Dwight: (holding the jersey reverently) The prophet QB has spoken.

Final Scene

Everyone is gathered around the cutout for a final “pep talk,” with Michael and Dwight leading the way.

Michael: This has been a great week. Jake Retzlaff taught us to be united, to tackle the hard things, and to always... score.

Stanley: (grumbling) So, we’re finally getting back to work?

Michael: Exactly. And with Retzlaff spirit.

As everyone disperses, Jim tapes a small BYU flag to Dwight’s desk with a handwritten “Go Cougars!” message. Dwight, misty-eyed, gives the camera a solemn thumbs-up.

Cue end credits.